Dreaded Phobia

                                            

Early this year I decided to be a sponsor at Ann Downing's retreat in Franklin, Tennessee. Ann, a well-known southern gospel singer, hosts a retreat every April. As a sponsor I would have a table at the retreat, and the opportunity to sell my book, note cards and matted prints. After the retreat, my logo button will be on her website for six months. Participants from twenty states attend this retreat, and I thought it would be a good opportunity in promoting my book nationally.

When Jerry and I left the Great Smoky Mountains, we took the byways to Franklin, Tennessee. We had plenty of time to enjoy the scenery as we drove along. We arrived in Franklin refreshed and ready to go.

Before I was set up at my table, a women visited and bought a book. I had provided a half page handout for each participant's bag, and the woman came by quickly to make her purchase. I've noticed this before. Those folks who have an interest in note writing and encouraging others usually visit me early on during an event.

As the first session was about to begin, I got up to join the group. When I looked in the room and saw all the people I froze. I couldn't go in the room. My dreaded phobia paralyzed me.

All of my adult life I've suffered from symptoms similar to those of Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. I suffer from being able to socialize in groups of people. From work groups to groups of friends, if there is more than one other person I have a very difficult time opening my mouth to say anything.

God has certainly used every opportunity through the years to place me out of my comfort zone and stretch me. But even now at 63, I still panic, like I did at the retreat. It is truly a miracle that I've stood in front of  groups of people and spoken about the note writing ministry. God used my gift of writing to make this happen. My talk is typed out, and I virtually read it word for word. Talking off the top of my head just doesn't work. I freeze.

Although I couldn't attend any of the sessions, I was able to sit at my table before each session. I enjoyed conversations with four individuals who share my interest in note writing. And a few books and note cards were sold too. I was disappointed that I had succumbed, once again, to this weakness.

Because of my disappointment and frustration, I decided to leave the retreat earlier than planned. Jerry and I got a three hour headstart as we headed toward Oklahoma to visit with my sister.

God can always take disappointments and turn them around to be seasons of thanksgiving. Because I decided to leave the retreat early, those additional three hours put us past the tornado and severe weather area that day. We would have been right in it if we'd left the scheduled time. His ways are miraculous!

Even though I know I may freeze in a particular situation, I keep trying. God is faithful when we step out for Him. I prefer one-on-one conversation, but I'll keep trying to walk the path God lays before me to share about His work and love.

Recently I was reminded of the book "The Little Engine That Could"  in my morning devotion. It was written by Watty Piper in 1930. The devotion shared about fear, uncertainty and doubt, and the courage of the little engine that kept repeating, "I think I can . . . I think I can."

I think I can . . . so I'll keep trying!

Next post I'll share of my adventure in Oklahoma visiting my sister and brother-in-law.